RedLanternRacing

The Order of the Red Lantern

Introductory note: It is a tradition that the last place finisher in any mushing competition be awarded a red lantern.

Greetings.

My name is Gary Hughes-Fenchel, and I am proud to be one of the most successful Red Lantern racers currently racing. For those who have attended the same races I have, you'll remember me as the man with the sort-of racing collie and sort-of racing Samoyed.

Many who covet the Red Lantern look down their noses at those who compete for first place in races, but I say … let each team have their own personal goal. I will share my secrets as to how I have successfully trained my dogs to smell the flowers (and sometimes eat them) even during a race. These are approaches that have worked for me:

The Zen Approach to racing: There is no race. There is no dog. You do not exist. Therefore, be at one with the still air. As time flows smoothly and slowly, you and your team must also move smoothly and slowly. You cannot win, there is no victory. There is only being. And being last. Strive without striving. By completing you have successfully completed and therefore are at one with victory.
The Chicago Cubs approach to racing: I will win. I will be first. Okay, I'll be second. Well, maybe third. Okay, I'll be last. But I'm really just preparing for next season. Next year I'll win.
The politician's approach to racing: This is a race. And yes, I'm going to win it. As a matter of fact, my team is so good, that we have practically won it already. Yes, I say, we have won it. We have taken first place by coming in last. Because last is the most recent finish. Therefore, by finishing last we have finished more recently than anyone else. Our victory is more current than anyone else's, and therefore more relevant.
The engineer's approach to racing: If 6 dogs can run a 5 mile race in 30 minutes, 5 dogs can run it faster because their mass is less. I will therefore decrease the mass by 1 dog unit until my dogs are only just barely able to cross the finish line. This approach is flawless, so obviously if my dogs come in last that must be the goal. And I will be successful in my goal.
The computer programmer's approach to racing: It's a hardware issue. If I had better faster hardware I could not help but win, because my code is perfect.
The teenager slacker's approach to racing: I'm hungry. I'm really hungry. I wonder what sort of food I can get when I finish. Maybe if I hang out long enough on this moving rig someone will bring me some food. Because I'm really hungry. Oh, are those dogs in front of the rig? Why are they running, what's up with that? Maybe they're hungry. Because I know I am. They should learn to relax like me, because I'm really relaxed. And hungry.
The nutritionist's approach to racing: My dogs have the best food in the perfect amounts. They are properly hydrated. Their training is flawless.My dogs are not winning because they smell twinkies on my breath.